Archive | April, 2010

Tindr Badger Beard

30 Apr

One day after many years of drifting on the whimsical currents of the sea I find the tide has brought me to a sandy shore and before I can decide if this is the right place for me to set roots or if I should wait for the next hi tide; a strange sensation overcomes me – that of flying – a big grey long thing has wrapped around me and hoisted me up it the air – I find myself face to face with some big ears and tusks – “oh my god its an elephant!” a sea turtle once described one to me as we …as we lazily floated near Tobago….Suddenly I’m dropped it to the outstretch hands of a strangely dressed man – his white face and big red nose I find amusing, not to mention his silly big feet, “This is just the thing I need,” he cries out with joy holding me up into he air, the sun warming my hairy husk. Thus begins a new period in my life – the work is hard but it’s fun, I’m made to feel the center of attention. I have my own little pedestal the holds me up for every one to see, and all I have to do is hold on as they try and knock me off my lofty perch. I remember that first throw – I was sooo nervous – surely I would brake! But no the balls just ping off me and soon I begin to get into my new role at the coconut shy, taunting passers by that they have not the arm or the eye to dislodge me but what great prizes await them if they do. Though one day, I was feeling a little cocky and was shouting my challenges to all, I spot a big fellow with a big moustache curled at the ends – his arms are as thick as the elephant’s legs! “What’s the matter big guy – don’t fancy your chances – I bet if that ball were to hit me it would feel no more than like a small piece of candy floss bouncing of my side…”no you fool” shouts the clown who found me…hold your tongue before its too late!” but alas it already was – I had just challenged the circus strong man!!! He takes aim with a glint of mischief in his eye – the well groomed tips of his moustache twitching a little as I realize he his chuckling to him self – “Come on then ya pansy! Give it your best shot!” He throws…his aim is good. The onlookers gasp and hold their breath…Bang!!!!! The coconut too shocked to speak sails through the air, knocked for six of his pole…. “No” says the clown “he was my best coconut!” I’ll never find another like him” I lie there dazed – something isn’t right…. oh no….I’m leaking, I’m cracked! I’m ruined! This is it the end… The crowd is gathered round the clown with a freshly painted tear on his cheek and his smiley red face now looking sad.  Hang on a minute something is happening…. The crack spreads, growing a little wider – the coconut now silenced forever is spilling milk, a strange light emits from inside the spoiled nut…. The onlookers gasp and hold there breath – “ with a noise like a thousand trees snapping at once the coconut bursts open and the crowd leaps back…a mighty roar issues forth as from the racked husk rises a mighty man with a mighty beard… The onlookers gasp and hold their breath…. This Bearded coconut man stretches and rolls his neck, many a gut turning cracking sound coming from his poor compressed vertebrate – “Bloody ‘ell that’s better they ain’t got much room in ‘em you know” he says to the shocked audience. A pair of eyes open in his beard…a nose pushes forth and smells the air, soon followed by a stripy snout and then like a shot a big badger leaps forth and runs through a bemused but surprisingly quick to get out of the way group of folk. All eyes turn back to the coconut man…who shrugs and explains “ahhh he just needs to stretch his legs” “Ahhh” the crowd nod at once as if they understand – but clearly by their faces they don’t…. Suddenly a yell is heard from a nearby tent – The Coconut man with the now badger less beard strides through the crowd to words the commotion. Sticking his head through the stripy sides he looks around the straw covered floor… “Is this yours….???” a stern looking gaze meets his whilst a slightly sheepish looking badger is held at arms length by his scruff. Coconut man glares and the badger, the badger just shrugs. “Err yes ma’am.” “The bloody thing just jumped into my beard!” “Sorry bout that ma’am” At this a large and slightly grumpy looking hippo emerges from the back of the tent chewing on a cabbage, it takes a look at the badger and begins to growl, the badger growls back, locked in a hate stare with the massive cabbage munching pachyderm. “Play nice,” says the bearded women, removing her wooden leg and giving the hippo a skillfully placed tap on the nose with it. The badger squirms free of her grip and leaps straight back into coconut mans fantastic facial hair, quickly sticking its head back out for a quick growl at the hippo before disappearing completely. “You sure have a way with animals,” says now badger bearded coconut man. “It’s all to do with eye contact…you may call me Mavis Rose and this is one of my hippos” “And allow me to introduce myself…I’m am Tindr Badger beard and this _ the badger popping his head out on queue_ is the Great Munjina…… my, you have a lot of panties hanging up in here……”

-Written by Tom Wilson


Dolly and Minus

30 Apr

Dolly Kante is known for her Toy Soldier act on the tightrope and her incredible balance with a wooden leg.  She is engaged to the tall man in the circus.  His name is Minus because it’s the opposite of plus.  A play on words because of his stature.  Together they make a magnetic couple! Sometimes he spots Dolly when she’s practicing.  Especially when she removes her leg. He’s a very sweet boy.  Minus’ dimples are as deep as the ocean and his heart is as big as the universe.  He’s quiet, but he’s always paying attention to every detail. Oh, and he loves sports. Dolly is a curvy lady with a smile that reaches from East to West.  She’s extremely talented and very nurturing.  I’ve always loved Dolly.  She’s a wonderful friend.  I love it when she comes to visit our circus!  She and Minus are planning to have nine babies.  They will be lovely additions to the circus family!  -Mavis


30 Apr

I am reaching an epic turning point in my life folks!  My hippo training is pristine.  Gertrude’s and my friendship is stronger than ever and our act is down to a “T”.  She and I have been spending the wee hours of the night and morning lately discussing what’s next.  We want to keep our act fresh.  It’s important not to bore the audience with the same routine over and over again.  Now, we already have the circus seamstress making our new costumes.  Gertrude and I collaborated on them the other day!  It’s a big surprise.  So, I can’t describe them to ya’ll yet.  I’m very excited to unveil them at our next show.  New costumes can really spice up a new act.  We’ve been milling over some ideas and we think we’ve come up with some pretty schnazzy ones.  At the moment, as you all know, I beat her into submission with my wooden leg and strangle her with my panties.  However, we were thinkin’ that it would be good to throw in a little somethin’ extra to mix it up.  Now, Gertrude has a few tricks up her sleeve… she could swallow my wooden leg at the end.  (or pretend to anyway)  That might amaze the crowd.  Or I was thinkin’ that occasionally we could do a switcheroo and she could beat me into submission for a change.  What do ya’ll think?  It’s about time we did something a little different.  We need to add a little twist to this whole experience.  We also thought about tying a rope of panties together and pulling them out of Gertrude’s mouth to amaze the audience.  You know, the old scarf in the belly trick.  I think that’s the winner!  She’s very good at it.  To celebrate this new turning point in the show, I invited my old friend who also has a wooden leg to visit the circus.  I thought it might be interesting to have two people beating Gertie into submission at once!  Why not?  My friend’s name is Dolly Kante.  I’ve known her for a million years!  She works at a circus a circus that travels around Europe.  Her act is to walk the tightrope with her wooden leg and then take it off mid act!  The crowd goes wild!  It truly is a balancing feat.  I definitely couldn’t do it.  I don’t have the equilibrium.  And she’s 107 years old!  Can you believe it?  We had a great time when she was in town.  We decided to go hobbling about the circus grounds in our wooden legs to celebrate our new act.  Before we went out, we drank around 6 or 7 mojitos each!  It was so much fun!  Anyway, I decided I wanted to switch out the leg I was wearing for a fancier one before we went out.  So, I went to my closet to get my favorite one.  It’s the purple mahogany with hot pink laces.  When I opened the door, to my dismay, a grass green leg with yellow laces was in it’s place!  “What the hell?”, I screamed.  Dolly Kante came running.  I was perplexed.  How did my leg get switched?  I racked my brain trying to figure out how it could be possible.  But to no avail.  We decided to put up posters for my missing limb all over camp.  We still haven’t found it!  It is such a mystery.  How could this have happened?  No one except for me and Gertie really go in my trailor.  I guess only time will tell.  Until then, I guess I’ll wear this leg.  It’s actually pretty good quality.  And, no, this old lady is not losing her marbles!  -Mavis Rose

Frannie Kitty

30 Apr

Her name was Frannie Kitty.  She was Magnificent!  Here hair was as thick as homemade custard.  Miss Kitty’s mane was as strong as a tow truck.  We had to hire her!  There was no question about it!  I had been searching for years for a beautiful strong woman who could swing, dangle and perform from her hair.  Not only was Frannie beautiful and strong, she was fun to be around.  Everyone at the circus enjoyed her company.  (The boys loved touching her hair)  Her first performance was incredible!  Her long locks glistened in the lights and her costume was gorgeous.  Her assistants harnessed her hair to the swings and cables, and we made sure the safety nets were secure.  As she spun, swung and dangled the crowd watched in pure amazement!  How could someone perform such a feat?  It seemed almost impossible, but Frannie was a natural!  And what a name!!

We will keep her!
Love, Mavis

Sawn In Half!!!

30 Apr

The first show was the next day on the main stage.  The audience was really excited.  These kind of gimmicks always attract a large crowd.  We got a gypsy named Beatrice to volunteer to be “sawn in half”.  She was really thrilled about it.  Everyone was yelling and clapping.  The anticipation was killing us.  I had actually never seen it done.  To tell you the truth, I don’t know how they do it.  (correctly that is)  Anyway, Beatrice stepped up on stage in all her glory.  Her lipstick laden smile stretched ear to ear.  Sequined head to toe, she strutted across the floor to center-stage.  Tom prepared “the box” and “the saw”.  The crowd went wild.  They were on the edge of their seats.  Tom motioned Beatrice to step into the coffin shaped box, and promptly locked the lid like a suitcase.  He told the crowd it was simple,  “to relax”.  Beatrice’s high-heel clad feet dangled calmly at one end, and her lovely head protruded from the other.  Little did she know what was in store for her in the next few minutes.  Tom lifted the shiny saw above his head and slowly lowered it into position.  The crowd went silent.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  He started slow.  He began to speed up.  Faster. Faster, Fasterfasterfaster.  Beatrice began to scream! One of her ruby-red high heels plummeted to the floor.  “Stop Tom!”  “Stop Tom”, people began to yell.  But, he had an menacing glare in his eye like he wanted this to be his last act.     -The end

Lady With a Baby Carriage

30 Apr

I turned the corner.  The circus was in a new town.  It seemed like a town they had rolled into before, but I wasn’t sure.  A shop nearby was deserted.  The sky was a sultry gray.  I hated places and days like this.  The whole scene seemed so dismal.  A figure came into focus in front of the empty building.  Her face was familiar!  I couldn’t quite pinpoint who it was.  Her face was drawn and pale.  It was full of sorrow and stress.  The woman kept rocking a baby carriage back and forth in her rigid left hand.  Her knuckles were taught and white.  With longing in her dark eyes she said with a raspy voice, “I’m so tired.”  She looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks.  “I haven’t been able to rest since I had my baby boy.”  I peeked into the carriage.  The baby looked healthy and happy wrapped in many blankets.  A man rushed past us puffing on a cigarette.  He was the first human we had seen in a while.  “Hey mister!”, she shouted.  “Can I bum one?”  He looked irritated, but hesitantly handed her a smoke.  I don’t know why but I offered to take care of her baby for a day.  I felt so awful for her.  I told her that I could just watch him for a few hours.  She seemed very excited about this.  I offered her some of the whiskey I had in my bag.  She was also excited about that.  Then I thought about taking care of the baby.  I already had Perle at home.  She was enough of a responsibility, and my wooden leg was beginning to give me problems.  I had to retract my offer.  I felt bad, but at least she had whiskey to calm her nerves.  I was curious about her name, but I was afraid to pry.  With that, we said our good byes and went our separate ways.

When It Rains I Snore

30 Apr

Too bad it’ raining!!!  The mud is covering my favorite pair of shoes.  But who gives a shit, because I don’t have to be in this hellhole anymore.  I don’t ever have to see you, or you, or you again!!! I get to leave this shit hole!!!  I got what I wanted from this place.  There’s nothing left here for me but scenery.  A tree or two.  There are shopping malls, fast food joints and parking lots just like every other place I want to avoid in this world.  If I had my way, the circus would still roam the earth like it did in the good ole days when the land was pure and fresh, and people still love the land that they lived on.  All I have to say is that I have paid my dues in this town, and it is time time time to move on.