Tindr Badger Beard

30 Apr

One day after many years of drifting on the whimsical currents of the sea I find the tide has brought me to a sandy shore and before I can decide if this is the right place for me to set roots or if I should wait for the next hi tide; a strange sensation overcomes me – that of flying – a big grey long thing has wrapped around me and hoisted me up it the air – I find myself face to face with some big ears and tusks – “oh my god its an elephant!” a sea turtle once described one to me as we …as we lazily floated near Tobago….Suddenly I’m dropped it to the outstretch hands of a strangely dressed man – his white face and big red nose I find amusing, not to mention his silly big feet, “This is just the thing I need,” he cries out with joy holding me up into he air, the sun warming my hairy husk. Thus begins a new period in my life – the work is hard but it’s fun, I’m made to feel the center of attention. I have my own little pedestal the holds me up for every one to see, and all I have to do is hold on as they try and knock me off my lofty perch. I remember that first throw – I was sooo nervous – surely I would brake! But no the balls just ping off me and soon I begin to get into my new role at the coconut shy, taunting passers by that they have not the arm or the eye to dislodge me but what great prizes await them if they do. Though one day, I was feeling a little cocky and was shouting my challenges to all, I spot a big fellow with a big moustache curled at the ends – his arms are as thick as the elephant’s legs! “What’s the matter big guy – don’t fancy your chances – I bet if that ball were to hit me it would feel no more than like a small piece of candy floss bouncing of my side…”no you fool” shouts the clown who found me…hold your tongue before its too late!” but alas it already was – I had just challenged the circus strong man!!! He takes aim with a glint of mischief in his eye – the well groomed tips of his moustache twitching a little as I realize he his chuckling to him self – “Come on then ya pansy! Give it your best shot!” He throws…his aim is good. The onlookers gasp and hold their breath…Bang!!!!! The coconut too shocked to speak sails through the air, knocked for six of his pole…. “No” says the clown “he was my best coconut!” I’ll never find another like him” I lie there dazed – something isn’t right…. oh no….I’m leaking, I’m cracked! I’m ruined! This is it the end… The crowd is gathered round the clown with a freshly painted tear on his cheek and his smiley red face now looking sad.  Hang on a minute something is happening…. The crack spreads, growing a little wider – the coconut now silenced forever is spilling milk, a strange light emits from inside the spoiled nut…. The onlookers gasp and hold there breath – “ with a noise like a thousand trees snapping at once the coconut bursts open and the crowd leaps back…a mighty roar issues forth as from the racked husk rises a mighty man with a mighty beard… The onlookers gasp and hold their breath…. This Bearded coconut man stretches and rolls his neck, many a gut turning cracking sound coming from his poor compressed vertebrate – “Bloody ‘ell that’s better they ain’t got much room in ‘em you know” he says to the shocked audience. A pair of eyes open in his beard…a nose pushes forth and smells the air, soon followed by a stripy snout and then like a shot a big badger leaps forth and runs through a bemused but surprisingly quick to get out of the way group of folk. All eyes turn back to the coconut man…who shrugs and explains “ahhh he just needs to stretch his legs” “Ahhh” the crowd nod at once as if they understand – but clearly by their faces they don’t…. Suddenly a yell is heard from a nearby tent – The Coconut man with the now badger less beard strides through the crowd to words the commotion. Sticking his head through the stripy sides he looks around the straw covered floor… “Is this yours….???” a stern looking gaze meets his whilst a slightly sheepish looking badger is held at arms length by his scruff. Coconut man glares and the badger, the badger just shrugs. “Err yes ma’am.” “The bloody thing just jumped into my beard!” “Sorry bout that ma’am” At this a large and slightly grumpy looking hippo emerges from the back of the tent chewing on a cabbage, it takes a look at the badger and begins to growl, the badger growls back, locked in a hate stare with the massive cabbage munching pachyderm. “Play nice,” says the bearded women, removing her wooden leg and giving the hippo a skillfully placed tap on the nose with it. The badger squirms free of her grip and leaps straight back into coconut mans fantastic facial hair, quickly sticking its head back out for a quick growl at the hippo before disappearing completely. “You sure have a way with animals,” says now badger bearded coconut man. “It’s all to do with eye contact…you may call me Mavis Rose and this is one of my hippos” “And allow me to introduce myself…I’m am Tindr Badger beard and this _ the badger popping his head out on queue_ is the Great Munjina……..my my, you have a lot of panties hanging up in here……”

-Written by Tom Wilson


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