Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall… Frumpty Fat Lady Fell in the Dumpster!

3 Jun

Every circus needs a fat lady right? Apparently, our circus can operate just fine and dandy with out her lard-ass! Mavis was curious as to what our circus would be like with the addition of a large performer. We already have a tall man and little people and conjoined people… All types of people. We only lacked a really big lady. So, it became Mavis’ mission to set out and find a really fat lady to come work with us. And so she did. Wherever we traveled, Mave kept her eyes peeled for a fatty. One day, we were at a local shopping mall when a big ass came waddling toward us. We had to talk to her! I introduced myself as Mave’s personal assistant and she told her what we were interested in. The lady was, surprisingly, enthusiastic about the request. Usually, when someone points out someone’s gargantuan stature, it’s offensive. However, she took it more as a compliment. And we were offering her the employment opportunity of a lifetime! Everyone wants to work for the circus, right? Her name was Phyllis and she was from Houston, Texas. She said she was fat because her mom and dad raised her on nothin’ but hot dogs, cheese fries and Lucky charms. And now her favorite restaurant is D.Q. (aka Dairy Queen). We hired her Johnny-on-the-spot and she waddled back to the tents with us. It was a glorious day for all of us! It was good to finally have a fat lady in our family. Weeks went by, I began to notice some of Phyllis’ bad habits. Her large stature was cumbersome as it was. She smacked when she ate, talked with her mouth full and had terrible (putrid) farts. People were beginning to complain about many of this poor lady’s habits. Mavis didn’t like it one bit. Not only did she despise her rudeness, she could not stand her unawareness of her habits. We are usually very tolerant of people’s quarks at the circus… as you know. But, Phyllis became outrageous. We asked her to leave giving her one week’s notice. The week passed… The Fat Lady did not leave. Everyone looked at each other in dismay. What were they to do? Nothing of this sort had ever happened before! Mavis Rose Sinclair knew exactly what had to be done. One night, Ms. Rose snuck quietly into the next town. Her goal was to find a seedy bar and hire a dirty ole carny to do a downright awful task. Goal achieved, she escorted her accomplice into the tents… “Over there.” She gestured to the wagon where the fatty-boom-latty laid snoring. The smelly old toothless carny skalked into the wagon… knife in hand. Without waking Phyllis, he plunge the knife deep into her heart. She was dead within seconds. Carny and Mavis dragged the cumbersome corpse outside onto a tarp. It was a butcher’s nightmare! They hacked for hours!!! Once The Fat Lady was in several manageable disposable chunks, they hauled each newspaper wrapped piece, one-by-one to the dumpster. Mavis was sweat drenched and elated with joy! She handed the Carny 100 bucks and called it a night.
-The End xoxo Mavis Rose

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4 Responses to “Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall… Frumpty Fat Lady Fell in the Dumpster!”

  1. The Great Munjina June 4, 2010 at 10:46 pm #

    did the farts smell like stale beer and sardines?
    did mave have to keep her mouth shut else she would be able to taste em???
    ace!
    never had mavis down as a killer but it is always the ones you least expect

    • mavisrose July 31, 2010 at 8:23 pm #

      Well… yes I am a murderer now! That bitch was pissin’ me off. I had to destroy the evidence.

  2. coccyx July 31, 2010 at 7:12 pm #

    mavis kills fat people ?????

    • mavisrose July 31, 2010 at 9:36 pm #

      Only the fat lady in the circus… Don’t worry she loves all people… But this bitch had it comin’!

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